Waiting

Forgive me for crushing on the least available men. I seem to have a fatal attraction to them for some reason or another. Forgive me for saying rude comments about being hurt in previous relationships. I find it hard that God doesn’t want me to marry at the moment…obviously since I always go after the unavailable men. It’s that or I just go with second best to what God wants. Appears at times that He wants me to suffer and learn the hard way. I haven’t the slightest idea how a normal healthy rationship is supposed to function after all these years of being in an emotionally abusve, manipulative relationship.
If a man loved me, he would never ask me to lie—to anybody
If I loved him, I would correct him(and I did in the past but he resented me even more the more I showed him his errors), as I would hope that he would do the same in return. Not just outright pointing things out and publically humiliate me. I would speak highly of him, not talking him down, making him inferior. He wouldn’t tell me how to do/make me do things his way, impose his theological beliefs on me.
I would love him for him regardless of how gross he could be. He would be my godly man regardless of whether he was sick, poor or whatever. I know he wouldn’t be perfect nor do I expect him to be.
I need to be more positive and stop playing the pity game. I am about 3 months free of this relationship now, and still emerging from hate, slander, abuse, negativity, hiding my true emotions, etc. To say the least I’m still growing.
After having an argument a couple weeks ago I realize the error of my ways from the last 5 years. I was blind to all the red flags. The hateful stuff he said to me a few weeks ago still haunts/hurts me, but gave me confirmation as to why the relationship was called off. He probably makes me look like the bad guy, but he isn’t innocent in all this because it takes 2 to tango…says something about me here as well.
Someday I’ll have a man who loves me for me and tries his best to communicate with me as I will try harder to do the same. I am not going to want to make the same mistakes I have before. I am not going to tear someone else’s relationship up because I am hurt and a bit jealous. I am doing my best from day to day with being positive. Hard thing to reprogram after all these years!
Most important, he and I will have an intense passion for Christ, and serve Him faithfully because we’d realize that it’s not about us frail creatures.
Why do I share my heart you might ask. Nobody is alone in this kind of battle.

My name is penguinpalooza and this is my story.