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8 More Weeks
I can hardly wait for school to begin this semester! I have this only part-time semester remaining and I’m quite eager to be done with school. I’ll have waited 7 long years for this day I finally receive my diploma. I’m not quite sure what I want to do with my life afterward, other than go off to grad school after taking a year off. I may do some teaching perhaps while still hopefully maintaining my job in food service.
I would also like to get married still, but that’s a bit difficult without a prospect in mind, 😉 for the time being I’ll have to place that on the back burner of life. I also want to really book it on my comic stuff, but I’ve been so lethargic about that lately, because I’m not sure how to approach the series 100% digitally. I’ve done other various projects with the comic book characters in portraits and such, but it takes a really really long time.
Yep, that’s about all. Short post this time. Probably until next month will I update.
Ciao folks!
Copilot
So this is it? Is this the only thing that I’m going to experience in life is suffering? My life now has apparently run out of the grace that tells me that life isn’t so hard. It hurts so much, not only because I chose to end a relationship, but that I feel like I really don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like my whole life that I haven’t allowed God to be in control of my life. That he’s just my copilot that will get me out of a tight spot when I need Him. It’s very interesting to realize that. I am at the mercy of the Creator, he is consciously allowing me to be in “control” of my life, my not allowing Him to guide my choices is a very big mistake. That is saying that I don’t trust Him, my Creator, that He has the best things in mind for my life (whether I see them as “good” or “bad”).
In all, I must press on, regardless of how terrible I feel at the moment, keep on praising Him. No matter what.
I apologize if you think that this is very personal information in my life to share, but if I don’t share it, how am I going to help those that are going through a similar situation?
That’s all.
later.
Updates and Such
I know. I hardly ever update this blog anymore for other people to read…anyway my life has felt like I’ve hit rock bottom, but only Christ has carried me through this all, having provided comfort from Him and through close friends, family and small group.
I’m also “in love”(crushing/admire, whatever you want to call it) with a guy I hardly know…He doesn’t realize it (nor do I care to have someone tell him. although sometimes…), nor will I ever tell because 1, it’s out of character for me, 2, the fear of just weirding him out, 3, him rejecting me because he’s clearly not interested in me and more interested in doing the Lord’s work, and 4, the guy is supposed to take initiative in any serious relationship. This has nothing to do with the fact that I broke off a previous relationship barely 3 weeks ago, however, my heart was gone long before that. It’s so hard for me to not say anything because I admire guys who know what they want in life and then just pursue that dream. I just don’t know anymore why I have a weakness for musicians…but I do find it important that the next man I date will have to have a passion for music…at any rate, I’m probably putting way too much thought into this whole thing—I’m being ridiculous because no man will want to pursue me as a terrible character I am when I play the manipulative relationship games :(. I may as well forget even trying to admire godly men and just go after what God wants in my life—to be satisfied in Him and be single for the remainder of my days, and become a better musician.
Other boring news about my life, I’m looking to graduate soon! I’ll finally be able to go on and make my mark in the world, hopefully have a success and land a great job in music somewhere. Maybe go on to pursue my master’s degree. 🙂
That’s about all.
tschüss
Fruity Oaty Bars…make a man out of a mouse…
Please don’t give me a tough time for trying to share my feelings of failure with the rest of the world. Everybody feels as though they fail constantly at times and needs to somehow not be afraid of it, at least not be afraid of being public about it.
I realize that everybody second guesses themselves at some point in life. But it seems like I’m doing it more than the average person. Does this really mean that I don’t know what I want to do with my life? I come by being indecisive honestly, but when it comes to something I really want to do, I get shot down, no matter how hard I try to avoid the bullets of discouragement (always seem to either take a direct hit or a graze from them). This is especially prominent in my current field of study as I inch toward the wondrous graduation day in December 2010…It’s not that I’ve been inadequately trained, it’s just that I have no experience in the professional world of music. I would love, love, love to do some professional singing, even if it’s only chorus for awhile…for me anything performance-related, and is (mostly) professional would be great for me at this point…anyway, I digress.
I’m discouraged mainly because what I want to do, the people that perform are significantly older than me and have completely different views on life than I do, which makes me to appear as if I were a naïve child. Not just my being introverted and their extraversion, but my political views are very opposite as well as my beliefs about Christianity, other religions, and how serious I take my faith. This is shoved in my face, telling me that I wasn’t meant for this field of work…that I wasn’t designed to use my gifts and talents in the way that God had intended. Is this really God’s way of telling me I wasn’t meant to use my music degree for performance? That I was just meant to be a lowly poor stay-at-home mom with 6+ ungrateful, disobedient children all under the age of 7? I certainly pray that it isn’t…although having one child when I get married would be nice…and I’m not saying that being a stay-at-home mother is a negative connotation in any way. (but back to the topic)
I feel afraid of talking to people and asking for help with fitting in this field regardless of who I am, what I believe in, what my political views are, etc. even though most other people I know can help.
I mostly feel afraid asking for help with an audition I don’t even feel quite adequate for since still feel so young and naïve. I’m mostly afraid that they’ll give me a negative response instead of giving me pointers in how to not look nervous or completely inexperienced. I know people say “all you have to do is ask!” but that’s the most challenging thing for me. I almost asked last about it last Thursday, but I chickened out at the last minute. I somehow was able to make a phone call to someone I don’t know and have a later audition time…go figure that one out. I also feel as though I’m not cut out for even being in an opera chorus (I would love, love, love to be able to be involved in music outside of school). I don’t feel very professional, even though I’ve been working my tail off to get to the place I am now. That and I see that the musicians who do perform are well beyond what I can do right now too. I do have tons of room for refining my skills, and I know it’s not the end of the world if they turn me away because I’m not experienced enough.
I hate being afraid of asking for help…that’s just like me too because I only want to rely on me and me alone, and I know that’s not going to happen because I always end up in a bigger mess when I try to do things myself. Even happens in my walk with Jesus.
Alright, I’ll stop repeating myself now and end with this lame sentence.
tschüss.
Süß
School is coming up to midterms and to the point where I get to think of what classes I need to take next semester. I’m kind of excited and frightened at the same time since I’m not sure what is going to happen to me after graduating next fall.
I do want to start getting involved in the arts community starting this summer since I’ll be spending much of my life performing, Lord willing. I’we also thought briefly about applying to graduate schools for possibly a performance/pedagogy degree.
that’s all.
Almost Midterm, random update of sorts
About time for an update. Not like it really matters since nobody really reads my blog anyhow.
I discovered this afternoon when I was practicing, I left out a short phrase of a song.. oops..
Excited for NATS next weekend, my recital on the 25th this month, and after that, I’m basically done. doing a much better job on piano stuff too.
Also finally understanding what the heck is going on in German class…math still sucks. I still don’t really understand why I have to take math or any stupid general education course…music is my thing, I stick to it with little distractions.
That’s about all I can think of. I’m so so tired now.
later.
Adventures in Salzburg! Week Three
Not too much to report on this third week other than the fact that the opera duets/trios/quartets are a little behind what they ought to be. Conducting is just fine even though I haven’t worked too much on the final project. Really haven’t felt much like doing anything the last week other than just sleeping.
The long weekend started off okay, then I had to go to the doctor to get an antibiotic for strep. Spent the last 2 days trying to get better, with lots and lots of yogurt.
I’m also having a want to just be home, even though I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve had a great time. A lot of this is because I’m sick and tired of being sick, and kind of want someone to take care of me a little. I also find there a lack of hugs around here, but I know that’s awkward saying that since I hardly know the kids well enough on this trip.
That’s all I have to say.
later.
Adventures in Salzburg! Week Two
Week 2 in Salzburg has generally been uneventful other than the fact I’m really busy with school stuff. Excited about working on scenes and duets from specific operas, namely Mozart operas: Cosí fan Tutte, Die Zauberflöte, and Le Nozze di Figaro. Can’t forget the Quando m’en vo from La Bohème either. =) I’ve been opening up musically as well as becoming more independent and responsible for my well-being (if that doesn’t sound awkward).
As far as singing and performing go, I’m becoming more open and present and realizing I have tons of tension in my body when I sing and it needs to be released. I also have a lot to work on/memorize before the trip is over. Maybe about a week or 2 to memorize 2 duets/recitatives, a quartet and the aria I’m working on. Ack, huh? But I’ll get it. I’m slowly getting better at it, which pleases me.
As far as exploring and trying new things, it’s been on hold for awhile until I can regulate school and adventuring. Singing in itself is an adventure, yes but exploring Europe has kinda been temporarily been put to the side for the time being, at least until the next weekend. Oh, I almost forgot that I’ll be going to the Zoo on Sunday! =D
:edit:
I also find it ridiculous how there’s so much Mozart stuff here, when really he hated living in Salzburg. lol.
and that’s about all for this update.
tschüss!
Adventures in Salzburg! Week one
I’ve officially been in Austria for a week now. Pretty sweet. And also have been through the first week of classes, in which I’ve learned a lot in such a short period of time. Fortunately it’s not like information overload, like a foreign language course would be.
Language barrier…
I’m still having trouble adjusting to the fact that I don’t understand German as well as I thought I would. I am understanding some things, but not much. This has inspired me to go ahead and pursue the minor in German after all, even though it’s not required of me to have a minor with a Bachelor of Music. Shouldn’t take me more than 3 semesters to do it all. yay, but 3 semesters +1 summer, maybe.
Food…
Had some of their Italian cuisine and it is delicious! The pizza here is so much better, especially when it comes to the sauce. Earlier this evening/afternoon (whenever it is) I ate at the Spaghetti and Co. Very good pasta. Milka chocolate bars are more delicious as I remembered them, they’re thicker and seem a lot creamier than the ones in the States.
I still have to try the orange juice that’s carbonated. 🙂
Religion…
It almost seems as though they have a higher regard for religion here in Austria, considering that much of the country is Catholic. This is probably true for the older generation, but for the younger generations, not so much, since there appears to be more of a disinterest than in the US. I haven’t really seen it, but that’s what has been told to me.
I never thought it would be possible to make it off the North American continent in my entire life, but here I sit in the American International School Salzburg! Exciting new adventures await in the next week to come…
That’s about all.
tschüss!
Meditations of a Manic Musician 